The World I Wish I Could Have

So today I just broke up with my girlfriend (who we shall call Curly Girl) of several months and friend for nearly 2 years. We met during our freshmen year of college in a Tai Chi class of all things. I thought she was pretty and she thought I was weird, a classic case of boy meets gorgeous. I made her a paper fox to show my love and Curly didn't care much for it said "Oh that's neat" and promptly left it in the room when class was over.

I was utterly crushed.

But time flew by and we became best friends me and Curly! We hanged out nearly everyday and went on many wondrous adventures to many places that her beat up jeep could take us (i didn't have a car back then). We went to Japan! And tasted the fantastic food and I being so japanese savvy told her many of the strange things that they had, like chop sticks or sushi. And we went to Russia! Which had yummy sandwiches and nudity in their news papers, we learned that "Spicy Bah!" meant "thank you" and we immeditaly wanted to go exploring in the Siberia mountains. We went to some many places full of so many memories and it was fun! It was magical! And absolutely I wished those times would never end.

But soon my pretty smiley curly girl started to fall for me, I bet she fell for my dashing wit and outrageous good looks. And well who could blame her? I am pretty awesome.

But by that time I had started to like other girls and have feelings for other people. So I pretended to never noticed hoping we can be best friends for ever. Yeah you can say it, i'm a dick.

But Curly wouldn't have any of that, she was always straight forward about some things...
One day as I was laying in the passenger seat of her wondrous white jeep mobile she asked me straight up "So are we just friends?" and I thought "Huh?" I kinda wasn't expecting that since I was happily dozing off in her car (girl are tricky like that so you all better watch out.) So in my bleary eye state I only manage to squeek out a "Yes?" and she responed with "Oh, ok." I felt foolish thinking that was so hard to do.

After that not much changed, we were still friends, we still hanged out.....but something did changed though...its just hard to explain.

The girl I liked at the time was cute and really different from everybody that I've met before. She was weird, random, and didn't have the slightest romantic feeling for me. Me being a romantic vowed to her that "One day! I'll make you fall for me!" and saying after that we will date and stuff and I won't give up on you til then...

Well that didn't work out, after less then 2 years of trying she still didn't care for me much. Which was sad but i'm alright. Shes currently my best friend right now. It would be great if she was here, and not in New York having fun.

I could use my bf right now.

Anywho after I finally gave up on whats her face (I'm only kidding) I was feeling pretty much blah. But happily my Curly haired friend was there for me and cheered me up. I vaguely recall saying how terribly I must be for someone not to like me and she reassured me I was great. I asked her why and she told me why...... It turns out even after all this time she still loved me. After two years of us just being friends, of me talking about the girl I liked and the next scheme of how I can get her to fall for me.....she still loved me.

I fell for her right then and there.

We started going out! It was a whirlwind of dating and fun and lots of holding and cuddles and other amazing things that I forgot how great they were. We had all sorts of new and fantastic adventures! By this time I had my own car and it was me taking her everywhere! It was so amazing, It was so much fun, it was magical and once again I wished that those times would never end.

Then we started having problems. During this time I was trying to make amends with that silly girl I liked. Me and her started talking more and turns out after I stopped turning to woo her with my amazing charm and grace, we got along quite well and became fast friends.

My Curly girl didn't like this, she was worried since I liked her in the past I might end up falling for her again. I tried to reassure her that we were just friends and that I understood why she was worried. She understood and told me she was fine with it because she loved me. And I told me self that I didn't ever want to make her cry.....

Many things happened since then and I can honestly say that I loved that pretty curly haired girl too. But she had this bad habit of not telling what she was feeling, she would say shes feeling one thing but actually feeling something completely different. I remember one time I told her to be completely honest with me and that what ever you say i'll believe you......that was a horrible idea. It didn't solve anything and she just got more upset because I didn't noticed when something was bothering her even though I asked what was wrong and she said "Nothing" and I was like "Are you sure?" and all I got was a "Yes, so stop asking."

After some time we became more and more suspicious of each other me trying to figure out what shes feeling and how to make her happy and her what I feel for silly girl and what i'm not telling her. This went on til we went on vacation to my parents house in Hawaii were we had to spend several days of each other company with out breaks.....it was an eye opener living with the person you love..

I don't really know if this was the right choice. I felt we couldn't get...better with out something happening. I didn't know if this was the right choice I only know that I didn't feel the same way anymore. And that I wanted what was best for her. And she deserved someone who love her like she loves them.

We talked for hours about our feelings, on the last night we were together as boyfriend and girlfriend we told each other things we were too afraid to ask and to afraid to say. Finally after months of half truths, of the many arguments and painful tears we were finally honest with each other....finally at the end...

She cried and i'm not ashamed to say a couple of tears fell from me too. As I held her in the open door of her magical wondrous white jeep she cried and weep in my arms even though she was an hour past her curfew she stood there and cried.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't want her to cry, I didn't want to hurt her....I didn't want to hurt her.... I held on to her as tight as I could hoping one day she will realized that I just wasn't the one for her. And that maybe, just maybe, one day in the future we could drive around in her beat up white jeep and find some amazing adventures like we use to, back in the time when I wish the world would never change.